The addiction that ruins my life

on the constant battle between guilt - enjoyment - despise

Never have I considered myself to be prone to addictions. I rarely drink alcohol, I occasionally smoke some herbs, but that is basically it. I think I know my limits by now since I’ve left my limit-seeking 20’s behind.

A minute ago, I was slouching on the couch, thinking about writing, obsessing over my Substack account and how I can improve it. I grabbed my phone and started scrolling the home page. I ended up reading a ton of good essay’s and after a good 45 minutes I locked my screen and somewhat aggressively threw my phone in the corner of the couch. An attempt to stop the constant flow of guilt.

A couple of weeks ago, I deleted my Instagram from my phone. I’ve had TikTok for a brief moment but quickly realized that it consumed me whole and was going to destroy my mental health. After a week of usage I deleted it and decided it was gen-z-satan with an algorithm. It’s older brother Instagram is basically Judas at this point. It was supposed to be about your friends posting photos of their food in bad lighting with a heavy vignette filter on it. But of course, soon after Mark Z bought the thing in 2012, it turned into ad-hell. And not long after that, we were starting to see influencers trying to persuade us to buy the products they were ‘‘obsessed’’ with, but never gave it a second glance after their promotional collab was done. Like I said, hot girl Judas.

I realize I am in dangerous territory here, with a high risk of sounding old. So before I continue let me tell you why I am bashing the ‘‘social’’ media apps here.

1. because I hate everything about it

2. because I might be jealous of people being successful on it

3. because I am addicted

It’s not my first rodeo deleting Instagram, it certainly has been the longest on-off relationship I have ever had. Deleting the app from my phone, using the ‘‘take-a-break-hide-your-profile’’ option, deleting my full account, and even replacing my smartphone with my prehistoric flip phone. I’ve tried it all, none of it worked. Maybe for a short period of time I felt like I defeated the monster and overcame my addiction. But heroin ain’t that chic, it’s not easy to fight the mesolimbic dopamine pathway, aka the reward circuit of the brain, aka your cute little notification addiction.

At some point in my courageous pursuit of digital minimalism, I realized that I did need my smart phone for certain things; my friends missed me in the group chat, my bank app informing me to take it easy on the ‘fuck it, we ball’ mentality, and have you ever tried reading an actual road map to get somewhere? Exactly.

Let’s circle back to why I am bashing the social media apps again.

I deleted it because:

1. I hate everything about it. the ads, the influencing culture, the sensory overload, the unrealistic standards, the doomscrolling

2. I might be jealous of the people being successful. which I find the hardest to admit to myself. I wish I was successful at something and could show it to the world. including what I am doing here. and I know rationally very well that this shouldn’t be the goal, and that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and I shouldn’t feel a lot of things I am feeling regarding this desire. but I can’t help but being human and flawed.¹

3. I am addicted. my name is Jasmine and I have a smartphone addiction. I cannot stop myself from scrolling. I constantly tell myself to stop during the doomscroll, but I ignore it just as hard as that time limit I installed.

So, Instagram is deleted (for now). I still check it on safari but it's a lot less frequent. Trying to watch reels on safari is the same as trying to zoom in on a photo on Substack. it.doesn’t.work. That said, having my Instagram addiction somewhat under control, Substack is my new fix. It is there for me when I unlock my phone screen and my brain needs something to click on, it is even giving me little dopamine shots when that little bell at the top corner has something to tell me.

I am obsessed. Obsessed with reading everyone’s posts, writing as much as I can, and thinking about writing. Last night I was half asleep / half thinking about topics to write about. Wait, is Substack.. just another addiction trying to disguise as ‘‘my passion?’’

The consolation prize for yet another addiction added is obviously that I am working on something I really enjoy and want to nourish. Not to say I don’t enjoy Instagram, I severely do. I sometimes catch myself laughing uncontrollably at a meme and wondered why I ever deleted this hilarious app. But it isn’t anything productive and it makes me feel like I am wasting my time. (If you knew me, you would know that this was a very hard sentence to type, i get severe rash from constant productivity promoters). so at least there is that, I feel like I am learning and growing as a writer every time I use this platform.

As I’m trying to work towards the end of this post I wonder why I always have the urge to put a positive twist on my stories. Maybe this comes from unrealistic Hollywood movies where in the end it’s all sunshine and rainbows which conditioned me in such a way where I always have to look on the bright side. Honestly, I don’t know if I will ever get my enslavement to my phone under control. I guess balance is something one should strive for but I am a Libra and this will be my life long search. It is what it is.

Love,

Jasmine

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Thank you for reading <3 I appreciate it so much and hope you enjoyed my brainwaves. It would mean a lot to me if you subscribed to my Substack if you haven’t already.

1. there is such a deeper layer to this than *I am human and flawed* I think jealousy/envy is something we criticize in others and ourselves, and I would love to dedicate another post to this topic soon