i am leaving denial, we broke up

my thoughts on writing for yourself

there is this notion out there that true artists only create for themselves. i’ve seen it preached many times in posts, comments or notes. it is a thought provoking topic and i wanted to dedicate this week’s post to my unpopular opinion — if we are writing just for ourselves, why are we hitting the publish button?

my post duality induced a response. the sentiment i was trying to communicate was that i have trouble with my scattered posts on this substack due to my ups and downs. some people commented that they experienced the same dualism, and others were of the opinion that writing should be for yourself and not be bothered by how it’s perceived.

i must be honest, if i only created for myself i would have never published here. starting a substack without caring about the receiving end has the same logic as buying a pack of cigarettes while you tell yourself you should never smoke it because it’s bad for you. why buy the ciggies then? (apologies for this terrible comparison but cigarettes have been on my mind lately and this is what i came up with) if i didn’t care, i would have just scribbled away in my journals and that’s that. there might be many writers here that have a dream to become a published author. and somehow there is less shame in admitting to that. but then we want to ignore that we care about the opinion of others. isn’t that a bit silly? the thing is, i do care about the readers, i think they are the best part of it. i am sharing a piece of myself with you and i can only hope you find a part of yourself in my writing. i am definitely not here for myself only.

i’ve read a ton of well intentioned advice articles on substack, suggesting that we shouldn’t care about what others think. preaching these words as if it will erase the insecurity that comes with posting and hoping for some likes. it feels like it’s a bad thing to admit to the fact that you do care about other people’s opinion, that a part of you creates and publishes to find validation for your work. because if you admit to this you might be considered shallow, weak, a people pleaser and insecure. not exactly the labels we strive for. being confident and self assured is much more desirable. but what if you’re not? should we just.. pretend?

listen, i understand that we all try to uplift each other by saying don’t worry about others, you’re doing fine. don’t be insecure, your work is great! and as nice as it is to hear someone say that, it never works, at least not for me. i am going to be insecure for as long as i live, i’m pretty sure of it. and maybe the insecurities will shift over time from being insecure about writing, to being insecure about my tits starting to sag. and it will also probably vary in intensity. sometimes i am feeling more confident than others, and you know what, i am okay with that.

i am not saying we shouldn’t be kind to each other, if there’s one thing i love about substack it’s the kindness and supportiveness of the people on it. but telling me i shouldn’t be something (insecure) or do something (write for others) to make me feel better, creates a pressure to deny my real emotions. they say practice what you preach, but i am definitely guilty of commenting encouraging words of ‘you shouldn’t be nervous about posting’. but now i realize, the act of telling someone not to be or feel something creates a negative narrative about their emotions and so, as a result, we try to distance ourselves from this natural human behavior; the desire of belonging and finding community, which is a part of our survival instinct. another realization is that while i comment on someone that they shouldn’t feel this or that, i am also telling myself because i have the exact same struggles that i wish i didn’t. a friend of mine said to me —most comments are more about the people commenting than about you.

so i’ve decided to change the way i comment on people expressing their insecurities. the next time i see someone writing they are nervous or insecure, i’ll just say: me too susan, me too. because if there is anything that creates unity, it would be mutual suffering.

of course there is a line between total dependence on validation and not giving a flying fuck. i don’t think we can ever completely write for ourselves and not care in the slightest (unless you are a bit, uhm, conceited) and i also don’t believe you should ruin the joy of what you’re creating by caring too much about what other people think. it’s a thin rope to walk on, and finding your balance on it is the crux.

maybe we can change ‘write for yourself’to ‘write from yourself’ because art comes from within, you let it pour out of you and you wring it to the last drop. with writing in particular, after the raw draft, you tweak it. and in a way this is a crucial part because good art communicates something. and through that communication we’re sometimes lucky enough to find a connection. that’s what makes writing, painting, sculpting, filming, dancing, — art, so beautiful.

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thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed this post. let me know your thoughts in the comments if you feel like it!

xoxo