duality

on hair dye, emma chamberlain, and a new substack

first i would like to welcome all my new subscribers! i am so glad you’re here. i haven’t written in a while with the reason you will find in this post. i really intend to write weekly, so i will do my best to keep at it. i hope you enjoy reading this post. and for my early subscribers, thank you so much for the ongoing support!

a couple of days ago i dyed my hair dark brown. all my life i have been blonde, with some nuances in color. light blonde, dirty blonde, and close to a full head of white hair, looking like thranduil from LOTR.

i don’t really know what came over me, but it was a very spontaneous move. i was watching some old youtube videos of emma chamberlain where she talks about her hair journey, going from blonde to brunette and vice versa. and how the peroxide destroyed her hair, which i must say, is accurate. my hair was as close to death as my little scindapsus plant i can’t get myself to throw out. so i walked over to my hairdresser, which is located on the corner of my street, and asked if they could fit me in today. you know that feeling when you’re like, now or never, feeling bold? usually the chances of getting an appointment on the day itself are extremely slim, and if they didn’t have time for me at that moment, i might have never done it. they told me they had a window in 10 minutes.

after my hairdresser washed out the dye in my hair, put it in a towel and walked me me back to my chair, i couldn’t wait to see the result. she took the towel off. whoa. that’s different. she reassured me it looked good on me, and i wondered how many hairdressers are genuine in their compliments. after she dried it, she walked off to get the hand mirror to show me the back. instantly i started plucking my bangs. i never like how they blow dry my hair and i always find myself wanting to go home as quickly as possible to redo the whole thing. so i can obsessively look in the mirror to determine if i’m happy with the results. i did like it but i felt like a different person.

now, i didn’t start writing this post to talk to you about hair (some other time maybe), but dying my hair so suddenly triggered some self reflection. lately i have been feeling a bit lost. and it’s noticeable on my substack as well. i started this blog, inspired by many others such as

angel cake

,

sarah cucchiara

,

shit you should care about

, and many more. i wanted to make this a bubbly, light-hearted, easy read, fun, fashionable, blog. i wanted to write about the things i went through on a weekly basis, my thrift finds, collab writing, and lists of what i like. basically your easy breezy beautiful blog, much like.. dare i say it..carrie bradshaw. because i so so so enjoy reading these from others.

this intention is all fine and dandy of course, but i have a duality in my personality i didn’t take into account when starting strawberry & vanilla. i am carrie bradshaw sometimes, but i am also susanna kaysen. it’s like my blonde self vs my brunette self. i have been going through some darker times lately. the thing is, i cannot write ‘‘lists of what i like’’ because in these times, there isn’t much i like. if anything, i like my bed, and that would be a very dull piece. also, it all seems like fluff. my mind yells: who the fuck cares about these shallow things? it’s so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all, i just cannot get myself to put these empty words on my screen. and if i try, i just scoff and think i am pathetic with every attempt. currently, i count more drafts than published posts. they just sit there, waiting to be either deleted or ignored forever.

and when i feel gloomy, i tend to favor substantial deeper writing over light-hearted stuff. i’ve read so many wonderful pieces by writers on here that share their emotions in every word. the talent that comes from these people's fingers blows my mind. like

asa riah

from darkhouse,

esther’s archive

, or

club reticent

by valerie. these writers have such a way with words, all i can do is marvel at their work. i am astonished by how they can describe their experiences in words loaded with emotions i feel so deeply after reading. i do not only gravitate towards reading heavier words, the way i write on these days also changes. for instance, the post ‘i should be cleaning the house’ , you’ve got to admit, it’s a lil different from my earlier writing. and it’s all due to my state of mind.

and so, i got myself in a pickle. i cannot write about happy things when i feel down, and if i feel good, i cannot write about deeper stuff. i am sure i am not the only one. but my substack didn’t rise from the gloom. strawberry & vanilla doesn’t exactly ring ‘‘hey i have deep feelings.’’ and i know i shouldn’t get my panties twisted with a niche, or if my substack name is representing what i write. but, i am, unfortunately. if i write inconsistently and with a wide range from: the world is a black hole to look at these skirts i found at the thrift shop, it stops making sense. hence, i stop writing because i feel like it’s too scattered.

i don’t think we can diagnose me with dissociative identity disorder (right?) but i do experience this duality quite strongly. so, what i decided to do about it, is to clean out my closet of posts and drafts on strawberry & vanilla. i will make this my main happy place where i write about fun things, lists, and experiences without melancholy. however, do not worry if you’ve subscribed to this stack because that is what you liked about my writing. i created a new substack for a different style of writing which i’m calling

Milk it

. it is a bit heavier but also a big part of who i am and how i like to express myself in writing. and frankly, i am relieved i can write all these emotions down from a bit more of an anonymous angle.

i am not planning to radically change the way i write on this substack. i am still me, and i write the way i write. i am just creating a clear direction for myself with this initiative. i am excited to bring my ideas to fruition for both substacks and to continue writing and learning for as long as i can.

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thank you so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed it. make sure you subscribe to my other substack

Milk it

, if you are interested in poetry, fictional, and non fictional short stories, and a collection of thoughts and emotions.