an american guy walked in

a love story

about 5 years ago i started a new job for a startup company. on my first day, my colleague showed me around the office and introduced me to everyone. after the introduction round, we grabbed a coffee in the common area where people get their drinks from the fridge and sit down to enjoy their lunch in the afternoon. i heard the front door of the office slam shut and a guy walked in, wearing a canadian tuxedo and a messenger bag with his laptop sticking out. he had long blonde hair tied in a low bun and bright blue eyes. he seemed like a nice guy to hang out with, the type of person that gets along with everyone and has a very memorable presence to him. he radiated something very calming and comforting.

‘‘oh, and this is Joe’’ said my colleague with a grin. ‘‘he is american’’

i thought it was a bit odd to introduce someone and instantly mention his country of origin. i guess for some dutch people, american’s are fascinating. we like to talk shit about them, but secretly admire everything america has taught us. we grew up on american pop culture, we idolize movie stars, we obsess over stereotypical american things such as coffee served in a pot in diners, yellow school busses, big houses with a front porch, mtv shows, keg parties with red cups, and so on. everything we saw on tv as teenagers, we wanted to copy, because it was so different from our own reality.

Joe and i shook hands. we conversed about what my role would be within the company, what his job entailed, and some small talk. he wished me good luck in my new role and said ‘‘see you around’’ while he walked off to his desk.

i was involved in a relationship at this point in time, and so i wasn’t looking for anything romantic with anyone else. however, i was looking to make new friends with my colleagues and quickly found out that there were some music fanatics within the company. a group of people would regularly get together to go to concerts, play music together and just hang out. i was excited to join all these initiatives because my life, living in a small town, was pretty boring. someone in the music slack channel offered a free ticket to go to a jazz concert that evening. Joe replied that he was interested and i, as a jazz lover, wanted to go as well.

we became friends pretty quickly. we hung out together with a group of people, we would grab lunch during our breaks, go to concerts, and we would go to the park on sunny weekend days. during the pandemic we stayed in touch by playing an online video game with our silly little headsets and talked about all that cluttered our minds. we spoke to each other daily, and i felt so at ease around him.

i know that i should have been doing all these things with my significant other, and trust me, i tried. i knew we should have been best friends, we should have shared all that was bothering us, we should have played the video game together, we should have had a connection like that. but we didn’t, we were together because we wanted to sink into the comfort of not being alone. we were so different from each other in our interests, we argued a lot because we didn’t tune in on the same frequency. we were like magnets with the same pole, we pushed away from each other.

meanwhile Joe and i kept getting closer. at some point i remember sitting on the beach with my boyfriend and saw an older guy with long hair soaking up the sun while walking on the shoreline, his feet getting brushed by the waves dying down. i said to my boyfriend, ‘‘look that’s Joe in 20 years!’’ and as soon as the words escaped my lips, i realized that he inhabited my thoughts too often. my boyfriend felt the same and replied ‘‘you think about him a lot don’t you?’’

it still hurts me to this day that i contributed to someone else’s heartache. i never intended to fall in love. did i go too far in letting him get too close to me? probably. but i was drawn to this connection like a fly attracted to a bright light. it was silly of me to think i could keep it platonic. i kept telling myself from the start that i wouldn’t enter dangerous territory because he wasn’t the type i would usually go for.

my long term relationships in the past all ended after 3 to 3,5 years. i never felt certain of my future with any of them. there was always a little voice in my head saying this person isn’t right for you. and the little voice that we can probably call instinct, was right. because from early on, you know, that certain things about a person will really become an issue in the long run. but i tried anyway with the idea that people can change and grow, and that meant he could change, and maybe that meant, he would change into a person i would have a happily ever after with. i can assure you, this is not the right way to start a relationship. wanting someone to be different then they are is setting yourself up for disappointment. and when any of them would mention getting married and having kids, an invisible rash would cover me. i never wanted to get married because i thought that meant the end of my freedom.

after a year of the close friendship Joe and i shared, i realized that the platonic plateaued. i couldn’t deny my feelings for him anymore. every time his blue eyes would meet mine, i would feel a little jolt and quickly look away. when he hugged me goodbye my heart would beat a little faster. when we would talk about all the places in the world we wanted to see, i fantasized about travelling to them, with him. i wanted to be around him 24/7.

i decided to tell him how i felt about him. it was a hot summer day in July and we wanted to go swimming somewhere in Amsterdam together. The day before, i texted him:

*I want to talk to you about something, but let’s do that tomorrow*

i did that because i didn’t want to chicken out last minute. at the swimming pool he asked me ‘‘what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?’’ i panicked and said ‘‘oh yeah, maybe a little later, let’s get in the water!’’ after the pool we went to a cute little lunch spot with a secluded back garden terrace. we were almost the only ones there which made it perfect to have the conversation. i was purposely avoiding it again but he wouldn’t let me get off the hook, and asked for the second time what i wanted to talk about. i tried to compose myself and said: ‘‘i think i have developed feelings for you over the past couple of months’’

it was risky. there was a high possibility he would express that i am just a friend to him. he never really gave me any impression that he was into me or flirted with me in a very obvious way. yes, there were some looks exchanged, but i could have easily created that in my head. and after listening to me rambling some incoherent stuff he said: ‘‘i’ve been thinking about you more than i probably should’’ translation: i like you too.

we agreed on taking things slow, because i just broke up with someone else. which was, of course, impossible. we were in love, we wanted each other's company more than ever. my cheeks hurt from smiling so often when i was around him. i was in love with my best friend and nothing in the world mattered anymore.

for the first time in my life, i felt less alone. and i don’t mean it in the sense of physically alone. i found the person that gets me, that can see my flaws and tells me it’s okay, i am here and i love you. someone that listens when i speak and tries to dissect my words in between the lines spoken. someone that has flaws too and is not afraid to admit to them. i have always believed in a love like this, but i was told that only happens in fairy tales and i should face that relationships are hard work. but that little voice stayed away this time. i knew that he was the one, because i knew him. he had shown himself to me in every message, every joke, every philosophical conversation about life, every interaction, for a year.

i realize i am so incredibly lucky to have found my person. after being together for almost 4 years i am still so in love with him. he proposed to me on the beach of sicily and i bawled my eyes out. my heart knew that it would be safe with him. i managed to get a ‘yes’ out in between the sobs of pure happiness. yes, there is nothing in the world i want more than to spend the rest of my life with him.

thank you so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed this story.